one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
