It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What a dumb baby whore.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
