An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
