What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
