I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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