There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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