Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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