this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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