maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
