some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
