If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
