This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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