how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
