did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
