this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
