I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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