4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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