I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
