apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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