Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
third nipple confirmed
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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