Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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