I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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