She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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