i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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