party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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