Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
someone owes me an orgasm
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
