I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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