The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He better not be in your backpack
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
