VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
