i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up under a house in Key West
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
