If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
FUCK WHALES
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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