Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
