you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
