As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
