She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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