I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize