Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
