hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize