I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
