??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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