i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
