the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
