I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
