This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
