Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
