Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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