No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
