Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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