i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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