He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
