I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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