hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize