mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I don't think brook has ever known best
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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