I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
