I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
